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About a month ago I had an absolute meltdown at work. After a rough few months and some very difficult cases with sad outcomes, I could definitely feel my anxiety levels skyrocketing beyond my control. When a new patient presented to us and we found a mass in her left anal gland, I made the recommendation to pursue fine needle aspirates under sedation. The day came, the sedation was administered, and I found I was unable to evert the rectal tissue enough to reach the mass, and it was going to be difficult to aspirate it from the outside.
Hence the meltdown.
After sobbing, I gave it a try anyway and came away with four slides. I warned the client that the results may be non-diagnostic. And then I went home and cried some more.
Thankfully, the results were diagnostic and after we did the necessary pre-screening (labwork, chest x-rays, abdominal ultrasound), our surgical specialist came in and removed both anal glands. He noted that he was impressed we were able to get any kind of diagnosis given how small the masses were. The dog had a few hiccups in her recovery but overall seemed to be doing well.
Today I was able to deliver the good news that the anal glands and the neoplastic masses were successfully removed with clean margins.
I'm so happy for the patient and the client.
I'm glad the crying was worth it.
After two weeks of feeling like I was taking steps towards being in a better state of mind, that things were moving in the right direction, it took ten minutes in my session today for me to be disabused of that notion.
I am on a high from finding something that makes me feel better, but it's not fixing my "core negative beliefs", apparently.
I walked away disappointed that I was feeling this level of upset and distress again. I almost felt angry, "Why am I paying $140 to feel this way?"
I know she's not wrong, but it's a tough pill to swallow. Especially as "mindfulness" still feels like such a foreign concept to me. I tried it for a week and ended in a full meltdown at work. "Paying attention to how the body feels" is difficult for me to wrap my head around. And it is so hard to find the time to "practice mindfulness" in my job, when I am so often working through my lunch breaks and putting out fires between appointments.
But.... I will try. If she really thinks it will help with my anxiety at work, that's the least I owe myself.
I woke up three days ago with tight, painful shoulders and neck muscles which did not abate with warm packs, warm baths, or my poor attempt at massaging them myself. It's like my body is fighting me as I'm trying to work on addressing my emotional mess at this time. I gave it three days and woke up this morning still painful and determined to find a registered massage therapist appointment for today. Of course I realize that trying to get a same-day appointment as a new client is a bit of a fool's errand, but I had to try! The idea of not doing anything about it for another four days was terrifying. Thank goodness for the internet and the convenience of "online booking"! I was able to find an appointment not too far away and dragged myself in to be expertly kneaded.
Let it be known that I am taking this whole "self-care" thing seriously!
Feeling slightly looser than when I arrived, I tackled the remainder of my chores and then rewarded myself with take-out sushi and a lazy afternoon and an Epson salt bath, making sure to "hydrate" myself as per the massage therapist's recommendations. We'll see how this week goes, but I am doing my best to aggressively wrangle my current scattered state into submission via rigorous organization and planning, amidst the very welcome but not-inconsiderable amount of socializing I did, what with visits out to PoCo and dinner with friends before they're off to Taiwan in advance of the birth of their daughter.
I did also manage to slip a bit of sweetness back into my life in the form of Pushing Daisies. That show has been my go-to comfort television since I first fell head-over-heels for it in 2008, and the bright-coloured whimsy, snappy dialogue, and Lee Pace's face have softened me up a little. It was just such a lovely show and I will always have a place in my heart for it. One day it will get its own proper write-up in this journal, even though I have devoted many written words to it already in my university years!
While the therapy sessions themselves are mostly me vomiting up my emotions and first-world problems, they are at the very least motivating me to try and get my life together. I'm going to try and use my new bullet journal to keep me accountable for my emotional state as well as the state of my apartment. Too often being in a funk means that chores and cooking fall by the wayside, and I really do need to get better at it after making what little headway I've gained in the past year. I haven't quite gotten there yet, but there are plans! Bullet journaling is very much out of my wheelhouse, after all, so it's going to take some getting used to!
But, I am proud of what I've accomplished so far and I hope that I can continue to use this as a tool to track (and improve!) my mental health until I no longer "need" it!
