My Neighbour Totoro was probably my first exposure to anime. The scratched up old VHS that had no doubt been copied off a family friend was dubbed in Cantonese, so my three year-old self knew the titular character as "龍貓" and like may children I was completely enamoured by the fantastical adventures on my TV screen. Several years later, Sailor Moon (dubbed in English) burst onto the scene, and to say I was obsessed would probably be an understatement. I would rush home every day after school to catch the newest episode and I still mourn the sizable card collection I had cajoled my poor parents into helping me acquire. But if Sailor Moon paved the way for anime in the North American market, Pokemon opened the flood gates and suddenly there was an embarrassment of riches when it came to family-friendly anime being available on TV. Aside from a special few though (namely Digimon and Cardcaptor Sakura), most of the series that came and went failed to hold my attention. 

Then I discovered through a new friend (a crush, if I'm being honest) that the local kids' channel played the "cooler" and "more mature" anime when I (a deeply shy, uncool and rule-following teenager) was already in bed. As someone who loved to sleep, staying up late was a big ask, but the pretty boys and political intrigue of Gundam Wing managed to entice me into sacrificing sleep. And so I was pulled into the vortex, never to fully escape from the grasp of anime again. I started visiting my new friend's house where we would watch his anime VHS tapes (copied off friends, as is the Asian way. See: Totoro) and we scoured the internet looking to find what our next emotional investment should be.

It should surprise no one that in 1999, the talk of the internet world was Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Between all the online anime sites telling me this was a must watch and the "cool girl" anime fan at school dedicating a whole section to the series on her Geocities website (all the rage in 1999-2000), I was determined that I would get my hands on this series. Knowing only that there were giant robots and teenagers piloting them, I convinced my parents to let me spend my little bit of cash on the first VHS tape through an online anime store. $50+ dollars for a measly two episodes.

I know how old this truly makes me, but man! Kids today really have NO idea how good they've got it.

My friend and I waited with bated breath for the package. When the VHS tape finally arrived, we arranged a viewing date. I still remember the shivers I felt down my spine when the opening song and animation started. This was going to be something special.
 

 

Needless to say, we devoured the first two episodes in one go.

It was a foregone conclusion that I was going to have to purchase the next installment. With each VHS costing $50 and my cash influx consisting only of birthday/Christmas money, Chinese New Year Money, and $20 per "A" on my report card (no weekly allowance for me!), I was going to have to do well in school and live a comparatively frugal teenage lifestyle in order to afford them all. I had enough saved to commit to the next tape immediately, but we were going to have to wait until the following report card to see about any further purchases.

Thank goodness, then, for the advent of DVDs. Not long after I managed to get my grubby little hands on the second tape, ADV Films announced that they would be releasing the series on DVD. $50 for 3-4 episodes seemed to be a much more economical option and the fact that it would be months between releases meant that I could relax a little bit in saving money, even if it was excruciating to wait for new episodes. But over the next year and a bit, I would purchase the newly released DVDs whenever they were available and our little viewing group grew from just the two of us to four or five (depending on scheduling availability). It always felt like an event, the anticipation for these next installments and what they would deliver, soaking in all the  visuals and dialogue and music because we only got three new, precious episodes every few months. I remember all of us laughing a little when we couldn't help singing along to the opening and closing themes. We were absolutely hooked.
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And I return almost 3 years later to finish this rambling, stream of consciousness about Evangelion! Fitting - I think - given the subject.

My mom got an Amazon Prime account, and with that came Prime Video. She generously shared her login with me, and in one of those mind-numbing, doom-scrolling fits, I happened across the fact that Amazon had the "exclusive" rights to streaming the Rebuild of Evangelion movies! And all 4 of them were available for my viewing pleasure! What!

Honestly, I'd picked a good time to stumble across this (September 2021) as the last movie had only just been made available in North America a month earlier. After - I cannot emphasize this enough - 14 years of production from the release of the first movie until then.

Despite my own feelings of ennui and disappointment in the human race with the pandemic still very much a part of our daily lives, I decided to give it go. Misery loves company after all, and this universe in particular was populated with characters that certainly existed in miserable circumstances. And whoo boy, did the first two moves deliver that misery in spades! I remember commenting on a Plurk Post I'd made about it that "this seems more... brutal than I remember". Evangelion is not exactly a series that inspires warm, fuzzy feelings as a rule, but as an adult, with the movies deliberately leaning into the horror of watching these pre-teens be subjected to this level of violence and trauma as "military assets"... well, it was bleak. Which was impressive in its own way, given I went into this expecting nothing less.

The third movie - honestly - was an exercise in frustration for me. Like many, it's a pet-peeve when conflict arises from characters refusing to communicate with each other for absolutely no good reason, and the third movie was filled with this. I have also never been particularly attached to Kaworu as a character. I supposed they did a good job placing me in Shinji's perspective of not knowing what the hell was happening around him and the frustration this would inspire. But to me, the third movie is a bit of a wash, all set-up and little payoff.

... was it worth it? I'm going to say it was a little worth it. Because even as someone who truly has a lot of nostalgic affection for Evangelion, I was shocked by how emotional the 4th movie made me. I had been promised catharsis, and that promise had been delivered.

It's well-known that Hideaki Anno was struggling with depression during the production of Neon Genesis Evangelion, and that he has (mostly) been in a much more stable and happier state of mind since then. I've seen jokes that the Rebuild of Evangelion movie - at least the final one - is "Evangelion on anti-depressants". It's a little funny... but also it's true? My main reaction immediately after the credits started rolling was "I'm not used to so much hope in my Evangelion franchise??"