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Like the famous Mr. Darcy, I can't recall the exact moment it started but "I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." I had a few "WInnie the Pooh" books as a child and grew up completely under the thrall of Disney, so the inhabitants of the 100 Acre Woods have been part of my life for as long as I remember. I can say for certain that I was earnestly fond of him in my preteen years and (probably rightfully) gained a reputation among friends about being a bit of an Eeyore afficionado from there. People have asked why, and I'm not sure that I've ever been able to pinpoint it.
"He's just so cute!" I would say, not sure how to verbalize that rush of real affection I would feel when I saw a particularly great representation of Eeyore, whether as a cup, a plush animal, a figurine, etc. It's the kind of emotion one feels when faced with tiny kittens or puppies, that squeezing of your heart when you want to love and protect something. I have amassed a small but significant collection of Eeyore items over the years, some that I purchased myself and others being gifts from various friends and family. It reached a point where I had to beg people to stop buying me Eeyore items and was forced to aggressively curate what I had to a more manageable - and meaningful - size.
Of course, much has been made over the years about what your favourite Winnie-the-Pooh character may say about you as a person. I never put much stock into that because Eeyore was a melancholy figure, and that was never a word that I associated with myself. My love for Eeyore was something I felt was a constant in my life, yes, but in the same superficial way that I love mangoes and the colour blue. Eeyore was always something that brought me back to feeling like a child again, when life was less complicated and more carefree. I nearly cried when the Eeyore mascot was out and about at Disneyland as a 21 year-old, knowing full-well that it was an adult in costume. It didn't matter; being able to interact with Eeyore and take a picture with him meant something to me. I begrudge the Disney Company a lot of things, but the magic and joy that their theme parks inspire is not one of them.
I laughingly tell people that the only reason I bothered to seek out the art museum during my 48 hours in Boston was because of the Winnie-the-Pooh exhibit they had on. Instead of posting pictures of the beautiful sights of that city, I waxed poetic about a very sweet Eeyore-centered greeting card I had found in a retail pharmacy store. My friends "ambushed" me in LA with a fairly big Eeyore-plush that I had to wrestle into my carry-on suitcase. I was "that Eeyore-friend" who had a quirky obsession with a childhood character.
Then these past few months hit.
To be clear, this is not my first foray into a state of desolation. Like so many people, I had my share of growing pains through my adolescence. I spent most of my first and last years in high school in a state of misery, and in my second year of university the stress from studies and my friend-group's specific social situation drove me to pinching myself to the point of bruising for some kind of release. A sudden break-up in my second year of veterinary school landed me in a sleepless state of distress, so much so that my family flew me home for two weeks during our short "winter" break. My first year of being a veterinarian saw me in a general state of despondence from the overwhelming pressure I felt.
This feels different though. In those other situations, there was a specific cause for my emotional state. These were things that would either be resolved with action or time. Of course, an argument could be made that I am still wrestling with some level of grief, but I'm not sure. It does feel like if it hadn't been for this confluence of events, I may have moved on like always. But they did happen and I feel... broken. Like I'm not sure what action can fix this or if time will have an effect. What if this new state of sadness is just who I am now?
I look at Eeyore now, and I see myself reflected back. I see a creature who isolates himself, who doesn't expect anyone to notice or care about him, who maybe isn't worth being noticed or cared about, and is resigned to his reality. He'll join in on the fun or gatherings when invited, and he hopes for but simultaneously never expects the invitation in the first place. He wants to be loved, but also rebuffs it because he doesn't trust it. And sometimes his friends don't come through, but sometimes they do.
Here's the thing - I love Eeyore. I've loved him for so long, not seeing any kind of connection. So maybe if I can love Eeyore as much as I do, I can forgive myself for sharing some of his depressive and pessimistic traits, right? Besides, he's not all doom and gloom and neither am I. He has his moments of sweetness and insight.
I suppose only time will tell.
I always say that Star Wars came to me later in life than most; my parents had filled my early years with Disney (another complicated but nonetheless everlasting love) but my science fiction exposure was sorely lacking. A rekindled grade school friendship with a very bright and slightly anti-social classmate led to her sharing her favourite thing in the world with me, and she was perplexed that I had never watched any of the movies despite being the ripe old age of ten. She was extremely invested in the franchise and was bound and determined to show me the light, and I was more than willing to be converted. Her enthusiasm in sharing this universe with me meant that I basically knew all the plot details before I ever had the opportunity to experience them myself, but somehow it didn't dampen my first viewings of the movies in the slightest. Maybe the anticipation of seeing things play out on screen as she had described them even enhanced things, in a way. Regardless, she held the gate open for me and I dove head-first along after her. She generously shared her extensive collection of Extended Universe (EU) novels with me, gifted me with any doubles she had from the Star Wars card game, we pored over her small collection of art books and encyclopedias, and she introduced me to the world of fanfiction.
Being the impressionable child that I was, my initial experience was coloured by my friend's very strong opinions: Han and Leia were superior to cry-baby Luke, the Rebel Alliance was in the right but the Imperial Army was aesthetically much cooler, the original Thrawn Trilogy was superior to all else, so on. Sure, I may have not-so-secretly preferred the Young Jedi Knights series aimed towards our specific demographic, but I was still mostly in awe of her vast knowledge in all things Star Wars and deferred to her expertise on the subject.
The friendship fizzled out when my friend's parents opted to pull her out in favour of home-schooling, but my love for Star Wars endured. I dragged my family and friends to the movies being re-released in theaters, even forcing everyone to suffer sitting in the front row with our heads craned right back. Sure, I wasn't quite as invested in the EU - having lost my easy access to books - but I did at least follow through on A.C. Crispin's Han Solo Trilogy through high school. Like many, I was sorely disappointed with the prequels, opting out of watching the second movie in theaters entirely. My newly designated first boyfriend insisted I catch up so we could watch the third together when it premiered, and I am embarrassed to admit that I had my first kiss while we were trapped amidst the terrible "romantic" dialogue peppered throughout the second movie.
Even before the prequels, I had learned to cherry-pick what I liked in the Star Wars universe. I have come around on Luke Skywalker, but any books that focused too much on his adventures tended to lose my interest. I was decidedly not enthralled with Thrawn or Mara Jade or any of the books that focused too much on them. I enjoyed the anthologies like Tales from Jabba's Palace, but really it was the Solo family that I loved - Leia, Han, all three Solo children, and of course Chewbacca. The Courtship of Princess Leia, The Crystal Star, and the Young Jedi Knights series were especial favourites of mine. I read many others that I felt lukewarm towards at best, and promptly forgot about them. When I heard all the things that had happened in the newest EU novels (Chewie dead, Anakin Solo dead, Jacen Solo evil), I decided I was better off living in my own little bubble.
When Disney purchased Star Wars, I greeted the news with a shrug. Star Tours had been in Disneyland for longer than I could remember, and the amount of Disney and Star Wars crossover merchandise made all of it unsurprising to me. I was cautiously excited when the new trilogy was announced, and moved into unreserved anticipation when the first trailer was released. I enjoyed The Force Awakens immensely, and even though I was sad that the "original trio" were never reunited onscreen, I was grateful to have Han Solo back for even a short while (given Harrison Ford's frosty feelings towards the franchise as a whole), even if I was incredibly salty that my beloved Solo kids had been wiped out of existence for the underwhelming Kylo Ren. When Carrie Fisher passed away, I called my mother and sobbed in a way I had never done for a "celebrity". I sobbed through Rogue One (we had the unfortunate timing of having purchased tickets already for that day), sobbed through the trailer of The Last Jedi, and sobbed through a reasonable portion of the movie upon its release. I fully expect to sob through the last movie, disappointed that Leia and Carrie Fisher never got their rightful due, but grateful to have anything.
My relationship with the Star Wars fandom is tenuous as best. In the convention circuit, my experience with them has been overwhelmingly positive - they are open and welcoming, a bit hammy but genuine in their affection for the franchise. Online.... well, it's probably one of the most toxic fandoms out there for anyone who is not an average white male. It's disappointing and the one reason I would shy away from being associated too strongly with Star Wars.
Next year, some friends and I are venturing to Disney World after the opening of the new Galaxy's Edge, and I am 100% hyped for it. Does it matter that I am thirty-three and possibly too old for this? No, Star Wars heavily relies on that nostalgia anyway and I am not too proud to be their target market. Even the idea of being able to stand in front of full-ish scale reproduction of the Millenium Falcon is making me feel bubbly inside. That is what Star Wars does to me, and I am delighted to have that kind of child-like anticipation still alive.
Tonight, while we are off in a beautiful corner of our province in the remote-but-touristy surf-town of Tofino, my friends have kindly (and mostly enthusiastically) indulged me in a screening of The Empire Strikes Back. It's hard not to marvel at the starlit vistas with forbidding Star Destroyers floating serenely through space, the stunning puppeteering that infuses Yoda with life, the frankly jaw-dropping combination of shadow and light and colours in Luke and Vader's lightsaber duel, the look on Han Solo and Princess Leia's faces as he is lowered into the carbonite freezing chamber. It's probably been at least seven years since my last viewing, and it's still just as engaging.
To top the night off, we took advantage of the relatively sparse light pollution of this area and enjoyed a bout of star-gazing, marveling at the very faint dusting of stardust we could make out and the twinkling lights from so far away forming the constellations in our skies. It felt like a beautiful way to cap off the night. It felt right.
May the fourth be with you!
- met up with friends for a Gloomhaven session
- hot pot dinner with more friends!
- Kingdom Hearts 3 play-time
- dim sum outing with people
- returned library book/picked up on-hold book
- picked up luggage from family friend
- moved Kira and myself to the parents' home
In unrelated news...
I DID NOT PAY $80+ DOLLARS FOR EEYORE TO NOT BE IN THE LATEST KINGDOM HEARTS GAME!!!!!
Half of my life. I'll let you do the math.
I have never been a dedicated video game enthusiast. I have enjoyed the occasional multiplayer game because it's fun to play with friends, especially when things descend into utter chaos as they are wont to do! But it has always been hard for me to find the motivation to play single-player RPG-style games because I am: a) not very good at video games and b) not that inclined to invest a lot of time into grinding. But Kingdom Hearts hit that rare sweet spot for me (and many others, seemingly) of being a dynamic game that required only slightly more skill than just random button-mashing, had some pretty darn cute original character designs, and appealed to my hopelessly Disney-loving heart.
And I mean, it was mostly the Disney-nostalgia. The storyline in the original game was fun, but by the time I failed through a very short portion of the "Chain of Memories" game and decided not to continue, I was already going "I don't care much about this weird story-telling, I just want more Disney!" The more the team dug their heels into these incomprehensible storylines by releasing all sorts of games that were most decidedly not the third (official) installment of the franchise, the more I had convinced myself that even if they got around to finally releasing it, I was well beyond the point of wanting to play it. Sure, I'd forgiven them for foisting an unwanted Roxas on me in the first hours of Kingdom Hearts II (full disclosure: I nearly cried when his part of the story was over because I'm not heartless, ba-dum-cha!) I even managed my way into finishing the game 10 years after a false-start (see: my refusal to spend a lot of time grinding and properly leveling up Sora would come to bite me in the ass, who knew?) But that was it, I was done. I mean, what kind of audience is going to stick around when they'd been promised a follow-up that never materialized after over a decade?
Well! Joke's on me. I put out a call to friends to see who would be willing to let me play it on their game consoles within a few days of its release. Nostalgia has a strong pull, okay? The friend who did ultimately let me commandeer his PS4 for the night commented that he wonders if there's even an audience for it after all this time. To which I countered that if it could draw me - a self-proclaimed non-gamer - back into the fold, I can only assume it was able to do so successfully with many others.
Anyway, here's hoping the game will live up to the kind of anticipation that follows a wait like this.
And Eeyore had better be in this game, is all I'm sayin'.
