polychromatic: that's what i said (crazy cat lady lifestyle)
polychromatic ([personal profile] polychromatic) wrote2019-09-27 10:38 pm

(no subject)

I have been struggling this past month.

In some ways, it feels like the culmination of everything that happened last month is still weighing on me. I haven't been able to pull myself together, not entirely anyway. It all came to a head last Friday morning. I had just spent thirteen hours at work the day before and dealt with a particularly sad case of a senior cat who deteriorated quickly from renal failure and having to walk a family with two young boys through the process of humane euthanasia when they weren't emotionally prepared to say goodbye. Suffice it to say, it was awful. I was prepared to drive down to Seattle to visit much-loved friends that Friday morning, but I woke up in tears after a restless "sleep".

One phonecall later to my mother, I was much calmer. I had decided to follow my friend's advice to seek out a therapist to see if I could get a handle on my work stress and anxiety, which is no doubt affecting my ability to sleep. I managed to finish a few chores that desperately needed doing, and then packed lightly for my short jaunt to Seattle. True, I set out on the road three to four hours later than my usual routine, but minor traffic issues aside, it was well worth it to not be an emotional mess.

This week has been a tough one at work. I had two end-stage renal dysplasia cases fall in my lap in one day - effectively doubling my experience with this condition in one go. The stress of both of these cases weighed on me heavily this week, with one scheduled for humane euthanasia, and the other culminating in the sudden and tragic passing of the pet in-hospital before the owners could say goodbye. I was heartbroken over both, but especially devastated over the latter. When my boss kindly called me to give me the news and reassure me that he would have done everything I did in trying to give this pet a fighting chance, I broke down in tears. It felt like a failure in so many ways. I had failed to ease the suffering of my patient. I had failed to give his family a chance to say their last goodbyes. I had failed.

If I had my choice, I would not have had my first therapy session today. I was a complete and utter mess, so emotionally fragile with what little confidence I had completely shattered. But the appointment was made, and so I went. There was mostly a lot of (very ugly) crying on my end. I expressed that I just want to sleep better, to develop a thicker skin, to learn to manage my stress and anxiety about work better. I was told that she was hearing a lot of self-criticism and judgement. What I got in terms of tools to use was not what I expected - mindfulness. My therapist asked if I was familiar with it, and I admitted that I wasn't. She asked me if I paid attention to my body and I really, honestly had no idea what she meant. I'm sure that I carry a lot of tension, but I don't feel it. Other than the occasional 3-day headaches, I don't feel any pain or tightness. My body and how it feels is the least of my concerns during my day.

I left with instructions to practice "mindfulness", to breathe deep, to focus on the moment with no judgement.

I am only a step above utterly confused.

My therapist would like to see me weekly until she feels that I have a handle on myself at work. I never anticipated that I would need weekly therapy, but at this point I feel emotionally in shambles, and my parents will also be away for a month. If ever there was a time that I would probably need it, it's now. This is the most extravagant thing I have ever spent money on myself for. And in some ways, it does feel like an "extravagance" for me, a person who is financially stable with a good job, a loving family, and very tolerant friends. How do people do it when they truly need it, especially when it is not covered under extended benefits? But that is a topic for another time.

In any case, I am committed to trying this out. So I am taking this "homework assignment" to heart and trying something new:

Bullet Journaling.


This is something I've always looked on with vague interest but never pursued because of my lack of artistic ability and my fear of making mistakes with the permanence of ink. But hey, at this point it's worth a try. We'll see how this venture goes.